Chipping away at that deficit
And so to the land of milk and honey, paid for by you and me.
The Sultans swung in to the Civil Service Sports Club in Chiswick, where both the Thames and traffic meanders at best.
Compared to the setting of our last match this was a utopia boasting a grandstand, proper changing rooms and even a little scoreboard for us to use. A fine way of building up a £155bn deficit.
Despite an opening loss in our first-ever game, the Sultans, bolstered by no less than five debutants, were full of confidence in taking on the splendidly-monikered John Minshull Invitational XI.
Like Spinal Tap, everyone was very punctual.
The oppo were a little tardier, perhaps due to the fact that they were carrying around Withnail And I-sized hangovers thanks to 30th birthday revelries the night before. One of them even looked a bit like Oliver Reed.
So it was probably a nice surprise when, after losing the toss, they were asked to have a bat and a sit-down under the scudding cotton-wool clouds.
Boss took the cherry, bowling into the blustery headwind with the hope it would provide assistance on his boomerang swing.
Mostly he was bob-on but bad habits crept in resulting in some unfortunate wides – the curse of the Sultans.
Doghouse, the wind rather than skill leading to a smidgeon of inswing, was miraculously a little more accurate and two chances fell just short of fielders as the openers scratched around. Again, more to do with booze than bowling.
But still the first-rank bowlers failed to make the breakthrough.
It took the introduction of debutant Conley to make the breakthrough. Despite opening with two full-tosses he was soon right on the money, bowling with pace, aggression and accuracy.
Now, this is where details in the report get a little sketchy. But I think he removed one of the oppo’s openers after drawing a false drive which was neatly snapped by Baz up at midwicket.
This brought in their No.3 – “our best batsman” – who was promptly skittled by a worm-burner. Have that – and another Sultan on another hat-trick!
This brought 10 men around the bat but the Sultans were denied scenes of delirium when the ball was calmly dealt with.
Skip brought himself on for a bit of frog-in-a-blender action and had the batsmen either playing and missing or tonking him back over his head.
One did for the batsman and a nifty bit of glovework by Skinner saw the bails whipped away.
The oppo then settled into a fine rhythm and began finding the boundary with alarming regularity – no mean feat on the wide planes of the west.
Dainty – memorably dubbed Heston by the oppo – was unlucky with an LBW call but momentum was gathering with their No1 building a fine innings.
Morgan came back on to calm the storm this time with the wind aiding some away-swing – and struck. The umpire said it moved from middle to off in the air, so it must have been really windy.
The fizzing leg spin of Skinner – who had discarded his wicket keeping garb – kept one end tied down before Morgan struck again.
Now, this is hard to write as it happened to me and I don’t want to go on about it. But I’ll never do it again, ever, so please indulge.
Their No1, closing in on his half-century, played a weary shot which came sharply back at the bowler who stuck out his right hand mid follow-though. Miraculously, it held.
A fine catch – but not the best of the match.
Skinner then claimed a well deserved wicket before Conley took two more scalps with his aggressive tight bowling.
Wilson also claimed another with his very own Ball Of The Century – pitching on leg, turning and bouncing to hit top of off, he said – as the Sultans went as hard as we could to finish the innings.
This was duly done by John who became the third leggie to strike for the Sultans. Could we ever field an attack made up entirely of bowlers sending down wrong’uns? On second thoughts, we probably already have.
So we were chasing a target of 161 – with extras in mainly wides once again costing us 30-odd runs.
Following a fine tea by Dicko, whose sore toe kept him out the game, the all-new opening partnership of John and Skinner strode manfully to the crease.
The oppo’s loping opening bowler dropped his first ball short which John pulled to the long-on boundary for four runs. Wahey!
Despite some hostile stuff from the bowlers the scoreboard soon raced above 30-odd without loss.
Then, just as we thought they’d weathered the opening storm, Skinner latched on to a full toss to carve it away for what looked like four nailed-on runs.
Until the oppo skip took an inspired one-handed catch at point, fading to his left, to dismiss Skinner for 15. The ball stuck like glue and the John Minshull Invitational XI went bananas.
If ever there were a turning point, this was it.
Baz soon followed by edging to gully for 18 before Wizzer manfully strode – or as manfully as he could manage after damaging his knee (and head) at the Isle of White music festival – to the crease.
His innings didn’t last long. One ball, in fact, as he dragged a fast-ish one from an Australian on to his timbers. Furious as ever, he hurled his bat further than most of his shots have reached this season.
Dainty/Heston then saw Lord Wyndypops and Morgan come and go in quick succession as the battery of Minshull quicks, while not quite of mid-70s Windies vintage, had the Sultans rocking.
There was only one man to steady this listing ship and Boss, hobbled by his hooky hamstring, kept ’em out like it was Rourkes Drift to provide brilliant support to Dainty.
Despite the culinary-based brickbats Heston/Tim was playing an innings of rare achievement and at one point was even heard to say he was enjoying facing the nippy bowling.
But like a Queen tribute concert, all good things must come to an end and Boss holed out off some slingy slow bowling for 20.
From here we were fighting a losing battle as the wickets fell like virgins at a post-GCSEs knees-up. Wainy and Manhead provided some resistance but once Dainty departed for a hard-won 36, the fight was lost.
However, there was one final highlight as Tommy hit his first-ever run in cricket to bring the biggest cheer of the afternoon. It wasn’t a classic cover-drive but it was a run nonetheless, and when you’re in such dire straits as the Sultans they’re all welcomed with open arms.
Really, the game should have been far closer than it was. The oppo played well and were a top bunch, with a nice line in banter, but we should have done better.
Extras once again haunted the Sultans – making up a fifth of the oppo’s score and pretty much the difference between the two sides. A middle-order collapse didn’t exactly help too.
On this taxpayer-backed Nirvana, the Sultans paid the price for some silly mistakes.
