A triumph of age – and ability – over beauty.
Well, over us.

A broken leg on the boundary may not appear to be the best of portents for a cricket match.

But the Sultans took the setback in their stride – unlike the unlucky stricken dog walker – to ensure their inaugural match was one to remember for cricket rather than crocks.

The experienced oppo seemed fitting for a first game. Established in 1974, the Erratics were a wily bunch of cricketers with a combined total of about 600 summers between them. They taught us a lesson, or two.

Under stygian skies, captain “lucky” Wilson lost the toss of the austerity-era 1p coin and the Erratics skip opted to bat on the sopping-wet strip.

After a fine opening over from Ian Clarke, at that point 40 per cent mental, shrewd Yorkshireman Jonny Mackay bunged up one end by sending down two maidens.

But despite pressure and chances no breakthrough came and the Erratics openers began to nurdle the ball around as well as accepting gratefully the liberal peppering of wides.

Tom Morgan as second change appeared to finally remember how to get the ball from one end to the other in a straight enough line, having bowled like a drain in nets.

Coales chased one that bounced, remarkably on the plum duff of a pitch, and Mackay pouched the catch at third man following some nifty juggling.

Wickets are contagious, and Berrigan was run out following excellent work in the field from the chilly Sultans.

After lulling the opposition with some wild deliveries, Tim Dainty struck to take the prized-scalp of the Erratics’ captain.

Then came Mackay. The man with the golden arm proceeded to take two wickets with the last two balls of an over. He was on a hat-trick!

Sensing history in the making, for his next over the Sultans set an aggressive field with some four slips, silly point, gully, short leg, silly mid off and leg slip.

In sprinted Mackay, delivering a ball which the diminutive batsman popped up, but not to hand. The moment passed. 

Rankin’s fizzing off-spin claimed two further wickets and his eight overs went for just 25 runs – only bettered by Mackay’s parsimonious figures of 8-3-3-25.

But some lusty late-order blows, and a tiring field, allowed the Erratics wicket-keeper to 42 where he remained unbeaten.

So we had kept the oppo to 161 – some 21 of which were wides to make up the second-highest score for the Erratics. Back to basics.

Tea was a thing of wonder, thanks to the Ws E and A, and Jonny. The spread of sausage rolls, Scotch eggs, sarnies, biccies, scones and Victoria sponge was all home-made.

The Erratics made appreciative noises with one so sated he lit up a post-meal Montecristo which was savoured throughout the entire Sultans’ innings.

Then again, with 10 overs gone a Steptoe and Son bus-ticket rollie looked like it would have sufficed.

The plan was to gain an early foothold through pinch-hitting openers Tommy and the helmeted The Bear, who appeared to to be setting out to face Malcolm Marshall.

But with the syrupy pitch proving more Bridgend than Bridgetown the going was slow even if the tumble of wickets was not.

A rapid-fire 14 from Wilson, including some handsome drives, looked like settling the ship until the collapse continued with Morgan playing all round a straight one – a crime of which a few were guilty.

He was followed by Martin Newman who dropped anchor to play a level-headed innings… until controversially given out LBW off the drifting off-spin of an Erratic rescued from retirement.

Now came the time for heroes. Enter Clarke and Rankin, who built the foundations for a rock-solid stand with intelligent singles.

Cutting loose against some eccentric bowling – including some real worm-burners – they plundered sixes and fours to bring cheer to the Sultans freezing their fezzes off on the boundary.

The stand passed 70 and then, disaster.

With Clarke delaying on a second run a direct hit left him stranded on 38 when he was well set to reach the half-century and possibly help win the game.

Rankin, perhaps missing Clarke’s company, then shortly holed out on 35 to give a caught and bowled to the oppo’s skip.

There were still 10 overs to go and just over 30 runs needed, leaving a slither of a chance.

Sadly, the last-wicket pairing of Lord Wyndypops and Dainty failed to scale the mountain, with Rivington removing Dainty for one.

So, we lost.

But what a time we had, enjoying a decent match against seasoned opposition and providing at-times spectacular watching for spectators including two Orthodox Jewish cricket fans and a Cuban with very limited English but an obsession with getting his hands on our balls.

Finally, the day ended with a special guest appearance from one of the biggest names in British broadcasting.

When The Bear found himself and his Big Van stuck in the pub car park by a flash Bimmer, there was no option but to demand the owner of the vehicle step outside and move said motor.

Who should step forward but Going For Gold’s Henry Kelly? The affable Irishman insisted he had just been watching the Sultan’s exploits on telly, perhaps mistaking us for the West Indies. Or India, or Australia or Sri Lanka.

Despite being well and truly stuck by the Classic FM stalwart, Steve declined to supply Kelly with the obvious answer to the age-old question “What am I?”

We have another response now, though. After your scene-stealing cameo you’re now the top choice for our honorary president, Henry. But only if you’re game for a laugh.

Result: London Erratics won by 31 runs

CLICK HERE for bowling and batting figures, plus match summary

Many thanks to the London Erratics for providing such fine opposition in our inaugural game. See you in another 36 years.